How to Praise a Child – One Simple Rule

What is constructive praise, and how can we ensure we’re praising and encouraging our children in a way that has meaning and value?

Over the years, I’ve attended many workshops, presentations and talks geared towards parents and teachers. It’s hard to keep up with all the new information, strategies, and ways of doing things — let alone remember to implement them.

But every now and then, someone shares a message that sticks.

I don’t even remember the woman who gave this particular talk a few years ago in our school hall, but I do remember that, since that day, I’ve seldom dished out a “good boy” or “clever girl”.

Here is her message in a nutshell.

How We Usually Encourage Kids

Parents and educators typically praise children by pointing out that they are good or clever. We tell our 9-month-old they’re so good when they push the ball, and we tell our 9-year-old they’re clever when they answer a question.

This might seem like a compliment, but you’re praising a trait your child has no control over.

While praise is an important emotional need of every child, it needs to be given constructively.

If a child believes they succeed because they’re clever, there’s very little they can control going forward — except trying to maintain that cleverness.

Angela Lee Duckworth studied the key factors in determining success, and all the research pointed to one trait — grit!

Grit is found in children who persevere, show determination, are passionate, and never give up.

These are traits that can be worked on and they are definitely traits that can be encouraged through positive reinforcement.

Watch this powerful message on TED.com.

Praising Children a Better Way

Giving praise effectively can be achieved by following this one simple rule:

Focus on a child’s effort and the process, rather than their ability and the outcome.

Think about the differing impacts of the following examples of praise:

Well done, Jo. You are such a clever girl.

Well done, Jo. I saw you working on that problem for a while and you just didn’t give up until you cracked it.

These kinds of compliments build self-esteem in a healthy way. Children are receiving the message that they can succeed with the right attitude and determination.

This doesn’t only apply to situations where your child shows immense grit. It can also be used to provide useful feedback in everyday situations.

Next time you’re tempted to say “that’s nice” when your little one draws a picture, try something like: “That’s a great mix of light and dark colours you used for the ocean,” or “I see you remembered to draw the tree on the ground today.”

If a child in your class has just shared a toy with a friend, replace “good boy” with “that was kind of you to think of your friend.”

It takes some getting used to, replacing those default phrases we hear so often — but your children will appreciate the genuine feedback.